Dreams are a funny thing. They can lift you up or tear you down, sometimes in the same moment. I find myself caught in the middle of both.
The most important things in my life seem to be the ones hardest to articulate or describe. At some point, words just seem to fail. I don’t have words for the pain I experienced during suicidal depression. And words also seem to not quite capture the freedom and gratitude in coming out of that despair. I also struggle to find words to describe my dream.
At the lowest point in my life, just when I felt like I couldn’t take one more step, I received a gift. Someone showed up and saw my pain… saw me. Finally, I was no longer alone. I was seen. I was heard. He not only saw my pain; he accepted it. He didn’t try to change it, fix it, get rid of it, or judge it. He showed me the path of acceptance and ultimately gratitude. This is the dream, to help people use their pain and move out of suffering.
I’ve experienced the most profound highs in serving in this capacity and have also questioned myself and felt so profoundly not good enough. I’m in the midst of the not good enough dance. I showed up in full heart to help make this difference in the world. I did my part and very few showed up. What the heck, God? I’m doing my part here. Why aren’t people in the room? I did my best and received feedback that it wasn’t good enough. I said, “rad, awesome, and super,” too much. Down the not good enough rabbit hole I went. I had another opportunity for the same talk a few days later. Again, very low attendance. WTF? Again, I poured my heart out. Again, feedback.
This is my dream. I’m going for it and why do there seem to be so many road blocks? Why is this so hard? And the heart of my fears… what if my gifts just aren’t all that good? If I put it all out there, what if it’s not enough? What if my genius just isn’t that genius? It’s starting to feel that way. Where does that leave my dream?
In the midst of questioning myself, my gifts, and my dream along came another gift. This gift was the movie, “I Can Only Imagine.” I felt like I was watching my journey. I could relate to the pain, the frustration, the pull to just want to give up. Yet the film reminded me of what is possible when we really go for it. We have the opportunity to inspire, to infuse hope, and to open the gates of possibility. We have a choice in every moment, love or fear. When I come from fear the voice of not good enough screams and my spirit sinks. When I choose love I remember my dream, and I just go for it.
I don’t know where this dream will take me. I don’t know what lies ahead… what peaks or what valleys… what celebrations… or what disappointments. What I do know is that following the dream is all about a journey. It’s not about reaching a finish line. It’s about what I can learn along the way. It’s about learning to choose love more often, to come from that place.
Dreams can be a funny thing. They can fill our hearts and propel us upward. They can also break our hearts and leave us devastated. I think dreams are full of both. But here’s the thing about dreams, they always provide an opportunity to go inward and see ourselves for who we truly are… gifts, geniuses, love… enough.
I can only imagine if we all went for our dreams. What would it be like? What would you be like? I can only imagine.