I’m hysterical. It’s 4:00am in the morning and I’ve been awake since 1:00am. I’ve been really struggling with this idea of being unreasonable. At the heart of it for me is authentically expressing myself. So, I thought I would authentically share my thoughts. The first thought I had in writing this blog was to reread another blog I had just read. I wanted to reread it because I loved the way she started it out. I was going to start out my authentic sharing with someone else’s thoughts! I quickly bailed on that option and started to write something else and then quickly deleted it as not good enough. Shit, I’m in deep here. After realizing I’m editing my authentic thoughts, I decided to not erase my thoughts from this point forward in this blog. It would be more authentic to share unedited. I then got just how funny this all is and started with “I’m hysterical.” Yet I misspelled hysterical. I actually spelled it histerical. Why do I find that so funny? I guess the point is in telling you that I do.
The most unreasonable action I can think of is authentically expressing myself. It’s painful to admit that… but it’s honest. My greatest fear in the world is to sing in front of people. When I was little someone once told me, “Molly, don’t sing.” I was horrified. I loved to sing and someone didn’t like it, the someone I adored. I made that mean if I share the things closest to my heart– my song, you won’t like it; you won’t like me.
I felt rejected and hurt. To avoid that pain again, I simply stopped singing. In many ways, I stopped sharing my song. It just wasn’t good enough.
Don’t get me wrong; I am very open and very honest. I’ve shared my darkest secrets, my shame, my pain, and my story. I’ve done this on a pretty big stage. I’ve been on National TV being honest and sharing myself openly. I published a book about the things in my life I never wanted anyone to know. There has been ginormous growth for me in this area.
It’s been like peeling back the layers of an onion. About three years ago I hardly expressed myself at all. I thought I was shy and very rarely shared anything. I was living a life that I thought would make others happy, yet no part of it was really me. I was so hidden I couldn’t even see myself anymore. It’s been a process of revealing and uncovering.
The latest layer came in a challenge to do something unreasonable everyday. As I pushed the boundaries of unreasonable I began to see another layer of fear. Peeling back this layer revealed many areas where I still hold back and am still very afraid to express myself.
One thing that I have never shared before is that I am INCREDIBLY sensitive. I feel things so easily and so deeply. I’ve always considered this a weakness and disliked it about myself. I’ve hidden how much of an impact people have on me both in how deeply I’ve been hurt and how deeply I’ve loved. No matter how unreasonable it seems; I’m ready for this layer.
So in this moment, the most unreasonable thing for me to do is to tell you just how much I love you.